Land of Fruits and Nuts

My dad likes to call California the land of fruits and nuts. And I don't think it's because of the excellent selection of produce.

(read: Everyone is either gay or friggin insane)

When we lived in LA a couple summers ago I found this expression to be very true. It also seems to be very true in Fresno.

I was at the store today to buy some birthday candles for Cassie. She turns 25 today! Happy B-Day honey! As a side note, I had to buy 2 packages of candles cause she is getting kinda old.

(read: Jonny enters dog house)

In the time I was at the store to simply buy some candles, I went from happy, to annoyed, to bewildered, to thinking of taking a deer rifle in public.

First of all, I was able to find the candles easily. However, finding something to light the candles with was a different story. Every single California store I have been in has at least 163 aisles dedicated to alcohol. You know what you can't find in even 1 aisle of the whole store? Matches. I spent at least 15 minutes looking for a simple box of matches. I was finally able to find 1 (and only 1) box hiding behind some charcoal. Other than that, the only other things in that store that made fire were 2 (and only 2) Oakland Raiders lighters.

I'm pretty sure that if California were it's own country, you would only have a bunch of drunk, crazy/gay people sitting around in the dark.

While on my unending quest to find a way to create fire, a middle-aged lady entered the store. She grabbed a cart and headed off. While in the checkout line she was directly in front of me. All she had was a carton of eggs. And she wasn't in the store that long. For some reason, this Californite thought that it was necessary to use a full size cart to carry 1 dozen eggs. Apparently a basket or her two functional hands just couldn't handle the work load.

The thing that really got to me is unfortunately not isolated to California. Not all suburbians are bad drivers. However, every single time I have been cut off in traffic, because someone wasn't paying attention, it has been a suburbian. And usually it's a woman. Just the facts ladies. Don't hate me.

Especially in California, if there is a large SUV driving retardedly (if that's a word) then there is an extremely high chance it is a suburbian driving it. If a truck is driving in a similar fashion, then it's a Mexican.

For unknown reasons, grocery stores have decided to give these people who can't drive SUVs on the road, a cart shaped like an SUV that takes up 2 1/2 aisles. I'm not sure about the logic in this, but it is no surprise to me that their unparalleled skill on the road is the same in the store.

I swear I was cut off at least 10 times by some woman pushing a cart twice her size and completely oblivious that she was not the only person in the store.

Well, I made it home. But I gotta tell you, I don't know if I can handle too many more days in this intelligence forsaken state!